Saddam Hussein Wins!!

Notorious leader promises search for WMDs; cooperative government

BAGHDAD ñ Saddam Hussein has been elected the new president of Iraq, taking 70.5 percent of the vote in a contentious election, marred by violence, voter intimidation and extremely low turnout.

Hussein, appearing from a jail outside Baghdad where he continues to be held, promised he would return Iraq to its former glory and immediately expel American troops.

His first step as president, Hussein said, would be to search for Weapon of Mass Destruction.

"I have been drugged and beaten repeatedly by the infidel Americans," Hussein said. "I will search for these so-called WMDs, and if I cannot find them (because I can't remember whether I sent them to Syria or Lebanon or whether or not I ever actually had them), I will make them to ensure that we remain safe from further foreign intrusions. The Americans have made it very clear that safety and autonomy can only be obtained through nuclear capabilities. I promise, on the Koran and Allah the prophet, that I will pursue this course. And I cannot wait to shave and get back to my palaces. And I think Barbara Bush is hotter than Jenna. But both are attractive. And those who celebrated my capture will be slaughtered. And I promise to work for bi-partisan cooperation, as long as those opposed to me never again oppose me."

Hussein's, who is said to have studied the Koran extensively while in captivity, frequently used religious images in his speech, leading pundits to speculate that he plans to institute a more fundamentalist form of government.

Hussein, as the democratically elected president of Iraq, will most certainly ask American forces to leave the country immediately. It is unclear how the White House will respond. At a press conference shortly after the results were announced, White House spokesman Dan Barlett said: "The president respects democracy, and the spread of freedom and liberty is our calling. Just the fact that these people had the chance to vote is significant."

Bartlett read a prepared statement and did not take questions, but pundits are speculating that the American troops will simply regroup in Saudi Arabia and prepare for another invasion.

A Pentagon official, who requested anonymity because he is latently gay, has a crush on Donal Rumsfeld and did not want to offend him, said: "We have contingency plans and certainly wouldn't mind another invasion. The invasion went well the first time around."

While Hussein's election came a surprise to some, the fractured Iraqi electorate had over 600 candidates to chose from, and Hussein seemed to benefit from the relentless campaigning of his many body-doubles.

"He was everywhere," said Ahmed Faladi, a rival candidate.

Hussein was declared eligible for the vote just two weeks ago by a judge in Fallujah, who said the American occupation, and thereby the American authority to jail Hussein, was not legitimate. The judge ordered Hussein's name placed on the ballot, which led to an end of the boycott of the vote by Sunni insurgents, who had previously threatened to derail the election. While Iraq's Sunni minority turned out to vote for Hussein, they threatened to kill anyone else who showed up for the polls, or who planned to vote for anyone other than Hussein. The threat seemed to keep many of Iraq's Shiite majority home on election day.

Iraqi ex-patriots, who were eligible to vote in several locations across the globe, including five in the United States, made up most of the 29.5 percent of the voters who went against Hussein. Strangely, John Kerry recorded about 5 percent of the vote, and Al Gore garnered about 1.5 percent, leading Green Party activists to speculate the several provisional ballots from Ohio, Florida and even Florida 2000 were simply entered into the election. In Detroit, several African Americans arrived to vote, after being told on election day that U.S. election had been postponed. According to report, several African-Americans who demanded to vote on Nov.2, were asked by police officers who they supported. When they responded 'Kerry', they were forcibly removed and told to return in late January.

The American military also lauded the election results, which generals reached for comment argued, should signal the end of the brutal insurgency that has racked the country for months.

One general, who requested anonymity because he wanted to be truthful, said: "We bitch-slapped Saddam's army, it's the insurgency that has been difficult. I think we welcome the return of Saddam."