You have to read between the lines on this one, but a close reading on this story out of Maine reveals that a satanic band of gays are being blamed for a rash of sheep attacks.

Oh they humanity!

The controversy surrounding A-Rod dalliances with a tight-bodied, bleach blonde stripper seems to have subsided, at least for now. And he’s hitting, so all is well, at least for now.

But I’m still intrigued by the whole thing. Here’s the basic recap: Last Wednesday, The New York Post ran pictures of A-Rod with said blonde getting out of a car and going into the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto. The Yankees were in town to play the Blue Jays. The rub? A-Rod is married and this was not his wife. Obviously this was water cooler talk and the Sports Editor here, who also writes for other outlets in New York, told me that it is well known among sports writers that A-Rod and his wife Cynthia are swingers. I didn’t really know what to make of that comment until Sunday, when I read a quote from Johnny Damon in the Post. Damon went on a radio station in Boston and said that the stripper was “Cynthia’s (the wife) friend as well.”
There have since been reports that A-Rod has been spotted with this women on numerous occasions.

Fair enough. There a myriad excuses that pop up when suggestive photos of married men with women that are not their wives pop up, but the “It’s Okay, I’m a swinger defense” seems fairly original. After the pictures broke, Cynthia traveled to Boston to be with the team and she is reportedly in Chicago now as well. Fair enough indeed. It was my impression that rule numbe 1 in swinging was that your significant other had to be present, so maybe all is well and good.

Either way, the real issue here is that A-Rod is a real weird guy and this whole thing, which broke amidst the controversey over his bush league “Ha” incident. It seems like a cry help. I can think of about 100 ways not to get photographed with a blonde who isn’t my wife. Did he let his guard down because he was north of the border? Maybe, I guess, but he was in Toronto, not the Ivory Coast.

It’s also interesting to note that the photographer has not been indentified. A-Rod has a lot of enemies, or at least people that are jealous of him, including in the Yankees clubhouse. So was this an inside job intended to embarass him? Maybe, just maybe.

Jenny the donkey coaxed from the woods

This story, if read symbolically, really strikes at the heart of the existential angst I’m experiencing today. I want to go the woods, just like Jenny the Donkey. And damn the “horse whisperers” who want to lure me into a snow cave (cubicle).

Knicks center, brother of Bowdoin graduate elected to New York City Council

Lost is the buzz surrounding Britney’s downfall, Denmark’s withdrawal from Iraq and Anna Nicole’s burial is the fact that former Knicks great Patrick Ewing has been elected to the New York City Council. And, it appears that a brother of a Bowdoin graduate (above r.) has also been elected. Remember when that guy from Old Saybrook tried to make out with him outside the cottage at 3 a.m? Where was Stephanie Tanner at that point? And why was there green paint on that silver car in the motel parking lot?

It’s almost tournament time and I guess I’ll have to rework my preliminary bracket (I start filling mine out in July every year after speaking by phone with Mel Kiper Jr.) now that a Gonzaga player is being charged with felony drug possession after being caught with 33 grams of mushrooms.

Cinderalla won’t be coming to the dance, she’s talking to a plant

On a side note, too much drug knowledge is awkward in the office. The guy next to me just said, “this Gonzaga guy got caught with 33 grams of mushrooms, jesus that’s a lot.”

weird drug guy (me) replied: “That’s a little more than an ounce. 28 grams is an ounce. It’s basically a healthy amount for maybe 8-10 people. Not exactly Pablo Escobar.”

Blank stare. Oops.

Today is Presidents Day and as the New Yorker recently pointed out, “Presidents” (the spelling, without an apostrophe), implies that all presidents are to be honored.

Franklin Pierce, Bowdoin College class of 1824, is generally regarded as one of our nation’s worst presidents. His name is rarely spoken on campus, namely because the New Hampshire native, who resided in the White House from 1853-1857, was a “doughface,” a term referring to a notherner with southern sympathies. He is also credited with furthering the fissures in the Union that led to the Civil War.

From the venerable wikipedia: “His good looks and inoffensive personality caused him to make many friends, but he suffered tragedy in his personal life and as president subsequently made decisions which were widely criticized and divisive in their effects, thus giving him the reputation as one of the worst presidents in U.S. history. Pierce’s popularity in the North went down sharply after he came out in favor of the Kansas-Nebraska Act, repealing the Missouri Compromise and reopening the question of the expansion of slavery in the West.”

Ah, good ol’ fashion support for slavery, that just doesn’t play well.

Somewhere, Pierce is watching this Bush presidency unfold with a smile on his face.

Check back later in the day for a look at James Buchanan and, if there’s time, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover and maybe a few others.

Happy Valentine’s Day . . .

I got into a conversation with a Jamie Lynn Sigler doppelanger the other night about what it would take, what conditions I would need, for Sienna Miller to fall for me. I said all it would really take is some isolation, that in effect, Miller would like she me if she knew, but that in this crazy world there would be no real opportunity for her “get to know” me.

I told the girl that I would need an island somewhere, a bit of pot, some nice red wine, a few Vicodin and maybe a few grams of cocaine.

she replied: “If you want to slow things down you might not need the coke.”

Fair.

I also told the girl I was a “Jack Bauer Democrat,” which of course I’m not, but ths kind of wit (mixing politics with pop culture) really ‘em crazy.

Two interesting articles, each of a very different ilk.

First, Christina Aguilera reveals that she spends her Sundays naked. I’ve always had a little soft spot for Christina and with the way things have gone for Brittney and Jessica her stock has only risen. She’s really after my heart with this one. I’ve been advocating naked Sundays for years. Naked Sunday Times, Naked Giants game, Naked Sopranos, Naked coffee, naked joint, naked eggs, naked OJ, naked wine. whatever your pleasure.

Have a gander at this story, which reports that Mossad agents may have been behind the recent death of an Iranian nuclear scientist. Very interesting on a few levels. First, I saw this story in the New York Post about a week ago, a short two paragraph item on the bottom corner of an inside page. When I see something like this in the Post, i always looks to see where else it appeared. I found it in some middle eastern papers (Turkey, the Jerusalem Post) but it was not covered in the Times. Not sure what it means, just interesting. Seems like a big story to me, with everything that is going on.

Say what you want about Israel and Mossad, but you have to respect these guys.

The recent rhetoric on Iran is truly terrifying. President Bush said yesterday that he is “certain” Iran is providing weapons to Shiite militiamen and that these weapons have killed Americans.

The Iran stories are trickling out, but taken together are beginning to sound like a drumbeat. I just don’t know what they hell we’re going to do about it. Invade? that just doesn’t seem realistic.

Bomb? We could certainly level a few cities, but there are 150,000 soldiers right next to Iran that then become targets. Not to mention the oil issues.

Fascinating article in this week’s New Yorker about the creator of “24″ and his views on torture

Jane Mayer reports that military officials recently met with the producers of “24″ to express concern about the way torture is depicted on the show. It seems people who have actually studied torture and other interrogations techniques don’t really think the infliction of physical pain is effective. (The White House and the Department of Defense apparently disagree on this) And they are concerned because 15 million viewers (including a lot of soldiers apparently) tune in every week to see Jack Bauer and his buddies at CTU using torture to glean information vital to national security.

Since the publication of the New Yorker article, the mainstream press has run articles reporting the meeting.

Very interesting.

Mayer’s story is essentially a feature on Joel Surnow, the show’s main creator, who aptly points out that it’s easier in LA to come as a “gay” than it is to come out as “conservative.” (Ed’s note: As an intolerant Catholic lefty I find both repugnant.)

He also notes that he is in the process of developing a show entitled “The Half Hour News Hour,” a satirical news program (modeled after the Daily Show) that will air on Fox News. I really can’t wait for that.

Surnow says: “There are so many targets, from Global warming to banning tag on the playground. There is a lot of low-hanging fruit.”

Also noteworthy is that the pilot for “24″ was written in 2000. I had always assumed it was a post 9/11 kind of thing.

Anyway, i note this story mostly because i include “24″ in the important cultural benchmarks that will define this period in American history years from now. “24,” “American Idol” and the “Jackson Nipple Super Bowl” seems to define a certain nexus of American despair that has come to define this decade.